|
[ July 13th, 2008 | 2:56pm ] |
|
Things are better. I'm extremely relaxed and chill about everything right now. I'm doing exactly what he wanted, just having fun. I feel guilty for it, but he made me promise. I love all my friends and I feel like I have so many more then I used to have, I like it so much more. Having no enemies makes things so much easier. So my party is today which makes me a little sad but I mean, what can I do? I think my family will cheer me up. Then I have Paul's party tonight, I hope it's fun. I'm hoping I sleep there too, but I slept out last night so lord knows. Maybe my parents will actually be nice and let me. I deserve it. Hm I have one hour left. Guess it's time to get ready for a long day of graduation parties. woo.
|
|
[ July 9th, 2008 | 12:20am ] |
|
I've never been someone who likes to say goodbye. About 2 years ago someone told me "we're not saying goodbye, just- I'll see you later." i like that one better. it's hard it's kinda' like i never thought the day would come or it just flew by. I cant believe I really got exactly what I wanted. Truly happy with every part of me. It worked, I don't even know how it happened, TO ME! but it did, and I'm ever so grateful. I have all my friends, and I'm in love with them, I feel like I let some of them go for too long and thank god I have them or else I'd die right now. I need my friends right now, like a lot. Things are harder for me I think, but I just pray it gets better, or it's at least rewarding. Well if not, then hey! at least I finally got what I wanted, and made it work. I'm still in shock, me?! Really?! Oh my life, it's really a joke but I plan on just going with it for the ride and just going out with old friends, new ones, and hopefully making tons of new friends cause I love to. Ah! then everyone's leaving me. =( what will I do? goddaymn it. Everyone always leaves. hmph hate my life. Let's make me super super happy. kthanksbye
|
|
[ July 1st, 2008 | 7:27pm ] |
|
so i guess being hospitalised for awhile made me think a lot. i should still be there now, but my family knows that this is important to me and i have a alot to do still even though i'm so sick. hmm, i have someone leaving me soon and its hard cause i dont know whats going on really except how i feel. and its kinda hard to feel anything at this point with my medications. but for the first time in awhile, i'm sad. i really wanna go buy the best going away present ever to make the going away part seem so much better. someone come take care of me. i think my feelings are sooo asdfghjkl;
|
|
[ June 27th, 2008 | 1:58am ] |
|
i've been so weirddddddd. cant stand it! being sick is fuckin with my head lately, which is effecting others. I'ma fix it! girls are so compicated, i'm oh so dumb. I've got this! i have exactly what i've always wanted. I need to stop messing it up and enjoy it. right!? yepp well its rough when i'm sick, and getting worse. but hey! i'm gonna start trying. :] cause i gotz about a week and a half left. after that- goodbye summer. cause i'll be fine staying home sick then. whos gonna watch movies with me everyday? Ya know. at the begining i thought this would never work out or theres gotta be a catch. theres not- it works and its amazing!!! how the hell did i pull this off? :] no one let me forget. I'm Rachael C. Bangle! I'm happy as hell, and i got exactly what I wanted.<3
|
| first update. |
[ June 24th, 2008 | 5:15pm ] |
oh hey june.
yup it's june. and I'm sick.
but- for the past few months i've been the happiest girl you could ever meet. I found what was missing. and lost what made me so unhappy for so long. rereading all my old entries makes me insane, why the hell would i let myself do that? psht no more being like that. i'm so happy. and i love everything right now! i graduated and i'm not going to college. i like what i'm doing and where i'm going. i've gained soo much and it's greatt. my friends are greatttt and my someone, is amazing. i'm happy! completelyyyy. my summer hasnt really started since i've been so sick but hey! it'll get there. and for being sick i'm having a great time still. Karma, thank you! =) i gots my bestfriends all here. old and new. i cant get enough ;)
lovelovelovelove.
|
|
[ March 23rd, 2008 | 3:14pm ] |
Hung out with the group last night<3
it was nice, and i love them all.
then went and dyed easter eggs with danielle.
went to bed eventually.
worked at 7 to 2 today.
now i'm chillin'.
sooo chill with life.
soo excited, tomorrow packing
dropping off my bags at the school
then getting my nails and all done w danielle
then shes sleeping over! minus the sleep part.
then we're going to school at 4 am. and to the airport we go!
hello disney world!!! :] soo excited its great!
peyce nj!<3
|
|
[ March 18th, 2008 | 10:04pm ] |
|
Giddy, as all hell. ipod=bff! wont sit still for even a minuete, cause i cant. im dancing, and laughing at anything serious. my method is crazy. i'm fuckin' crazy as all hell. i'm not even in my right mind. i'm so close to saying everything and anything i dont mean. I don't understand why I'm doing this right now. I won't stop or let go. But like I must be a bitch and I liar somehow because that's exactly how I'm being made to feel. So fucking confused. I just don't really know what to do. Honestly though, I'm getting by. Somehow and in someday I'm getting by and I will get what I want eventually, which is happiness along a something real. I can't take all of this. I'm going to start staying away from this again. I just wanted to try and start it all over and forget the past but its close to impossible. I could really do it if I was given the chance, but I guess I don't really deserve that anymore. Its crazy how much I care and how hard I'm trying but I don't even get the time of day. I'm doing so much but it doesn't even matter cause you know what? I don't fucking matter.
|
|
[ March 17th, 2008 | 2:12pm ] |
|
So, much stronger. I listened to the starting line all day, old school. and just thought- a lot. and realized, i'm doing better. really, i am. i'm just doing what i can, and i'm sooo excited for senior trip! soo soo excitedd!!! me and my girls<3 like i kinda' realized i'm going to try and do things for myself instead of sitting back, and if it doesnt work for me, then i guess its not going to. i want what i want, and i want it now not later. i'm not someone to wait. just someone to stay. i'm happy :] as happy as i can be atleast. dont let me fool you, if you know me, you know thats not entirely true but- hey! atleast i'm fucking trying, right? i've got my plans. i'm gonna have a great year! it's finally starting and i'm excited<3
|
|
[ March 12th, 2008 | 2:10pm ] |
|
i dont know how i feel right now, but all i know is i lost most of my anger, and it changed into being bummed. like, i dont know. it's a pretty aweful feeling. but atleast i have a lot of awesome weekend plans to keep my mind off of everything. but today, my head was just at a bad place, but i had several friends make me laugh today :] aha, thanks girls<3 uhh, idk i'm still pretty upset. i put away all the stuff in my room, and like its just hard. part of me is like, dood go out and have fun, its your turn! but then like, hmph i know under everything, i'm still gonna feel like this. its hard to know what to doo! should i keep hanging on to something that might not even be there anymore? or should i try to - ugh. no! OKAY! so whos hanging out with me this weekend?! friday, i'm not exactly sure. saturday, work, ac, mall, partyyyy. sunday, idk. monday, partyyyyy. hmm, i just wish i could stop thinking and keep busy. i cant wait to go out later. i'm not thinking straight at the moment, just thinking a lot. i'll write more later when i feel not as useless.
|
|
[ March 10th, 2008 | 6:21pm ] |
positive.
maybe it's all worth it.
maybe things will just get better.
maybe i'll get what i deserve.
maybe ugly sluts will get pretty.
ha' naw sorry. ahaha fuckin a.
um, maybe i'll take this as learning.
i'm growing up, and growing out of it.
maybe i need to do this.
maybe i need to realize how much i have.
and how much i have to offer.
how many people would kill to have me.
maybe i just need to see this all.
ha', guess its my turn?
my turn to be fucking broken hearted.
but hey, also my turn to get fucked up.
who would of thought, huh?
i'm so much better then this wreck i'm being
right now.
i cant allow myself this time to think anymore.
i'm not coming home anymore.
i put my stuff away.
it's time to go out every minuete of everyday.
hey 'sup?! :] maybe one day i'll win back
whats fucking mine. but um, maybe not.
i dont know anymore. this is me- fucking positive.
ps. stay out of my way, and dont piss me off.
you might get fucked up! i dont have much to lose.
:]
|
|
[ March 10th, 2008 | 5:14pm ] |
And this is how you know, you're fucking numb. when i have so much emotion, but ya know what? i'm going to keep my mouth shut. it's really funny. but i dont care. i cant care. i cant believe i was so stupid is all. every person who confronted me, was right. i'm a fucking idiot. and thats all there is to it. i'm in love with a boy named brett dickey, and fuck you cause i always will be. no one ever think they have me, they wont. seriously, i must be such a disapointment, really! i wish i was good enough. cause um, i'm not. so everyone out there- just to let you know, i'm a fucking idiot, and um, i have no emotions- lay it on me! haha', and to think i was so worried. oh god, this is me keeping in everything i could possibly say! haha', thanks for everything.
|
|
[ March 9th, 2008 | 1:06am ] |
ELEVEN.
um, yeah. fuck.
|
|
[ March 8th, 2008 | 12:29am ] |
You could never possibly know.
it's not any sort of misunderstanding.
maybe, it's no appriciation.
no attention.
no fault. all fear.
It's all about guilt, and nothing guilty.
it's anything but fair.
it's hard, but getting harder.
all work, no play.
busy, but not enough.
fucked up, but not even close.
not a single word needs to be said.
assuming.
forgetting, forgiving.
Not wanting to know, at all.
not knowing what it is.
There is no sense to it.
Nothing but time.
|
|
[ March 7th, 2008 | 1:33pm ] |
|
okay, just annoyed. i dont want to be hit on, it's cool and all, but if i tell you to fuck off- listen! like jesus. fuckin a. anyway, i'm starting to feel like, too many people i can not handle. like grow the fuck up! i hate a lot of people at my school and i didnt hate them until this year really. i just really want people to grow up, and stop acting like fucking idiots. it's annoying, i'm in the mood to tell everyone to fuck off. today in english me and paul said how we missed the old days, just our friends out on his back porch with not a care in the world. it was great, and i miss it a lot. except for a few little flaws of those days but whatev. like- i'm not sitting around and letting the rest of my year be like this, i'm sorry but i'm just not. i'm having a hard enough time lately. i just feel like i dont care anymore, and i have no one to look out for besides myself. wtf is that, thats not me. fuckking. i dont want to see anyone this weekend except for a my girls and a select few people, everyone else, i dont even want to know about because, i'm jsut- goddamn it, this all sounds so different then i mean it but whatever. i just, GREAT! another weekend, that i WONT enjoy, so i can be crushed and go back to school for another shitty week and restart the process. i'm fucking happy, aint i?!
|
|
[ March 6th, 2008 | 12:15am ] |
|
okay so I just wish it was how I wanted it but part of me tells me its not going to happen. If only what I want seemed to matter. I was doing so good you know? Hmph, as I lay on my floor typing all of this on my itouch and think to myself, what do I really want? Like do I really know this for sure? I have so many ideas in my head in what could happen and what should happen, but my fear is what could happen. Every person speaks so highly of me, but what does that matter if I don't know the only thoughts that matter to me?! Wtf I don't know, but I wish I did. Who's going to hold me up, pick me up, be there for me, listen to me, hangout with me, or just talk to me? Hmph, I really just wish I knew. I'm just a dumb fuck, huh?
|
|
[ March 5th, 2008 | 1:54pm ] |
|
i dont know why i keep convincing myself of things. i really wanna go away and just tell everyone to fuck off, cause i dont wanna hear or know anything. i hate not saying how i feel, but i wont. i cant. i dont know what to do, i really dont. i'm going to just stop as hard as that will be. and just chill because i have a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts that i refuse to think about. like what the fuck am i doing?! really. why am i here? fuckin'. too much is going on right now, i shouldnt be this way. i need to have fun, i thought thats what this was. fucking a. asdfghjkl;
|
|
[ March 3rd, 2008 | 9:59pm ] |
|
Dont think i've forgotten. i havent. i'm so worried about you forgetting about me, honestly. i dont want that to happen. but what can i control? i'm just living, really- i'm just getting by, with the help of friends. i dont know how i'm doing this, but i'm trying very hard. i think i'm just keeping my mind somewhere else, just for now. i dont want to to forget, you have something extrememly important of mine, and always will. i truely look forward to seeing how this ends up, because i feel like it could be good, after a matter of time. but i have not a clue where your heads at, and i dont want to know right now. i'm doing what i can, to stay out and stay away. because i care, and i want it to work. but i dont know. just, dont forget about me, okay? i really dont want you to forget.
|
|
[ March 2nd, 2008 | 5:54pm ] |
|
it's a really weird feeling to talk about how much fun i'm going to have, then when it comes down to it, i end up so quiet and just useless. it's weird and dumb, and more people notice it then i thought. i like that lately i've been keeping busy though, havent even given myself a second. i love loida's house, its so comfy and it will be nice project to keep busy with. i like being there and all, and i'm so glad she enjoys our company. it was like a work party last night ahah. for the people who love me so much to talk to me all last night, your great thanks. and i'm so lucky to have my baybuh, because she always keeps me company. we go together pretty well, coffee, dark chocolote, and ciggerettes. desribe our relationship lol and the beach but we couldnt get there today unfortunatly, papa said no. oh well very soon. tomorrow i wont be in school, i have to go take my goddamn gcc placement test and i have no effert in taking it. then tues wens thrus, we dont go in until 10 :] i cant wait. hspa week w my girls, freaky five?!<3 i got my mr wt dress yesterday, lime green! its absolutely gorgous! i love it a lot! but i'm out 150 now. goddamn. and i need a lot of stuff for senior trip, i have 2 weeks of working, then i need to buy my shit. oh boy. no good. i'm trying as hard as possible to be great, and its working out pretty good. i dont know. things will get better, its march! things are going to be great soon! i know they will, i have high hopes. i really do. it's time to get close. i'm all for doing what i've got to do, i'm starting to be content, or numb i'm not sure really which it is, but i guess either way is good for me. i've kinda' found a lot in myself over the past 2 weeks, and right now all i see is, how much i do love who i am. it's good to know who you are and where your at. i'm fucked up in some way i think but i dont know, i'm some how just numb and trying as hard as i can. i will do this. i've got this. i'm concintraiting on anything i can look forward to right now, and hey! i'm getting there. i want to say i'm really okay. but i dont even know, i'm just- getting there. whos gonna give up on me?
|
|
[ February 29th, 2008 | 1:49pm ] |
|
I dont know exactly how i'm feeling right now. i know that last night i went to loida's new house. and it's freaking awesome. i'm so excited for her, and for all of us to decorate and help fix it up, and have a good time there as well. this morning when i got into school, i pretended it was summer, dressed in my litatly lil' bright blue polo and my little jeans and well it was too cold for flip flops so i stuck with my short uggs. it was mad cute. i'm kinda' burnt too so yeah. a good friend of mine made my day though very early in the day, in homeroom and it was great. it proved that i'm a good liar. he just asked "hows life?" i said "uh ok yours?" he said "it fucking sucks" i smiled and said "yeah i know mines does too" and he laughed. it cheered me up a lot. i'm not alone, i guess. i couldnt tell you what i'm doing tonight, i have a lot of options, i wanna go to the show, but i dont know. i seem happier today. pretending is just, i'm getting good. know whats fun? when your talking about someone you hate, and someone over hears and is like "omg i hate her too" then you become friends lol i've come to find that happens to me a lot. ;] it's fuckin' great! SOO easy, ahaha. um- fuckin'a. i'm still like ridiculous but i dont even care, it doesnt look like i'm going anywhere. like i'm seriously just still doing all the same things everyday, and this is how i'm going to stay. i'm doing whatever it takes. but i just hope it's worth it. hello senior year, where have you been?! :] it's starting to feel it. like we all talk about mr wt everyday! and i'm getting a dress tomorrow! senior trip is in25 DAYS!! hspa (hespa) aha week is next week, yaknow what that meanas ;) dood- fuck yes. it all is getting so good. minus one major part of my life. hmph, as i'm told everyday "just take it one day at a time, rachael. you got this" i'm trying. i really fucking am. its harder then it looks though. fuckina. i honestly dont even like the weekend anymore. whatever. peyce.
|
|
[ February 27th, 2008 | 2:00pm ] |
#2:
Actually, i'm still not sure whats going on in my head. like why the fuck am i still crying, huh? why. why cant i see this, why cant i let it go. why am i sitting here thinking like this, i dont deserve this, i feel like i try my hardest and get nothing in return. where the hell is the karma at, huh? i feel like i'm always gonna have so much to say, but now, no one to say it to. whos going to stand up for me? whos going to be there for me for everything going on in my life right now like, my family, and my heart, and the rest of this year? who will take me out? who will just sit around with me, but be glad to just because they care? who will check up on me just to make sure i'm going to be okay? who will invite me out with them and friends? who will take care of me? who will talk to me? i cant do this. fucking a, i fucking cant. why is this so hard to deal with? why cant i grow up and stop being upset and see that i might NOT get what i want. i might actually feel this way for a long time, why dont i get it? i'm not it. i feel like people are tugging at me left and right, and ripping my apart. its not a good feeling. so 10 months ago, i never saw it coming, not like this.
|
|
[ February 27th, 2008 | 1:40pm ] |
|
Today, i feel like i need to be in a little bubble. i need to not be in school, or something. because i dont wanna hear it anymore. i start off fine everyday, i'm getting good at pretending i'm fine and happy. but then by the end of the day i'm ready to go nuts and kill someone. like wtf? i dont know anymore honestly. i'm going going day by day, doing my thing, and pretending as much as i can. i'm really, holding it all back. this isn't fair. but i guess i cant always have what i want. what am i still fighting for? i'm fighting for what i want, i keep telling myself, but i dont know. i want to be happy again, but i mean, i dont know how to do that. i'm gonna start going out again, but differently, and new places. i cant keep doing this. its a feeling like i'm throwing in the towel. but i'm not. i just, feel like i dont have any other choice. my cousin rosie called me yesterday to try and cheer me up and that made me so excited, but honestly- its getting harder to cheer me up. i'm not happy. i'm also fighting with my family that i havent talked to still since yesterday. things are just getting bad. as i'm sitting here, i cant even smile. like i really cant, i'm trying to keep in mind all the things i'm looking forward to coming up, but it seems so far away, and i feel like i'm forgetting, no matter what i'm doing i'm still going to be feeling this way. like i need to take my mind away from everything, cause i'm sick of this. someone come pick me up, drive me to a beach and sit there with me, i will honestly love you forever.
|
|
[ February 24th, 2008 | 8:42pm ] |
|
It's hard to get used to something you dont want to. seems to be harder for me but i wouldnt know. here goes yet another week, and i keep asking myself whats going to happen? is it really gonna be better? cause i hope to god it will be. i felt it not to long ago, happy. how i used to be and i could see it. it was great. i just want that all the time. i'm just messing myself up so much. like i care soo goddamn much, but it sucks to care because its killing me. like what happens if i lose this? i'm not ready to give up. i'm not ready to think about anyone else having the chance i had. i wanna get out of here. i need my summer and i need it now. vacation pleasseeee. senior trip couldnt ever sound so good right now. i just, i'm honestly having a hard time. i'm going out, i'm doing whatever but like yeah its ok its fun, but i cant imagine just really wannttingg to be this way. its ok but i want you with me. i mean maybe you like not having me around idk. but i cant deal w it. it sucks for me. i can handle myself. but it sucks to be doing that. to have to handle myself. i just want people to fuck off. i'm not this person. like i'm not in a relationship yet i rather follow the rules of one then ever break them. so what kind of a person does that make me? oh boy. i'm trying. i'm gonna stay quiet and stop giving in because i think i'm only hurting myself. fuckina. i thought i was going to be alright honestly, i really thought i was gonna be. a year ago tonight, was when we met. i thought i was gonna' be alright. fuck.
|
|
[ February 24th, 2008 | 1:48pm ] |
i dont know
i dont know
i dont know
and i wont know. i'm working on it. it's hard to be perfect. like idk i just try so hard and i wish i could smile more. still, not sleeping well. work this morning was good though :] so i go back to school tomorrow. first time since last tuesday. i've been spoiled but not really i kinda rather of been in school. i started feeling like things are gonna get better but im not sure. i'm taking my time. i dont have much of a choice i got one chance at this and i wanna make it right cause if not, there it goes. fuck me. hmm, i try. and i deserve.. lord knows what. whatev- goin' out :] and gonna' smile. peyce.
|
| ohjesus. pt3 |
[ February 21st, 2008 | 7:55pm ] |
when i cant talk to who i want, i end up writting insted.
i cant keep going on like this really. like someone get me out of this! i dont know where this is going. or what will happen. all i know is i need to be much better then i've been. tomorrow i'm gonna' look all nice for school tomorrow. and just smile and play pretend like i need to do for now on. if you can read me like a book, you'll see through. but i must say i'm pretty convincing. i still cant talk about it. but thinking about it every minuete i'm still of each day isnt easy. i need to find something to take my mind away for awhile. that would just be great. Music has become my bestfriend in this role. like in this moment theres so much to be said, but nothing will be said. so much i must assume, but whats the difference from real and fake right now? i feel like every person i see is my biggest fear. i think so highly. i only wish you knew, or you could understand, but if you havent gotten it by now, i question if you ever will understand me. people tell me very often that i'm perfect and they'd kill to have someone like me. and it's so nice to hear except when i realize that doesnt even matter cause they arent you. fuck me. i dont know anymore. what is real? i have so much i'm waiting on. but how long am i waiting right now? i'm only pretending. but i cant keep pretending. i've ment everything i have ever said. i'm too goddamn nice. but its all true. every page ever written, has been completely true. i just wish that i didnt feel like they were so empty at the same time. filled with my feelings and my love and my thoughs. but then what am i left with right now? i dont even make sense to anyone. oh well. i care so much, that its tearing my apart. so why the hell do i care? what am i getting out of this? To be continued when i know.
|
| pt 2 |
[ February 21st, 2008 | 12:26pm ] |
|
ok. life right now, is at the worst spot ever. and idk who will get me out just yet. i'm a mess. emotionally and physically, in the way my heart is. you can take that in whatever way you want. i've been having so much trouble eating and sleeping.(until the hospital made me pass out and sleeping hasnt been an issue since) but i just keep telling myself, its done and not coming back. maybe because i dont want to be disapointed. and sometimes you have to lower your expectiations. if only you could see how i truely feel on the inside, cause i wont let you see it. i say smile, but really i cry. no one, can honestly make me feel better except for you. and i dont know that, thats what you wanna do anymore. i dont know what you what. i dont know. i dont know. all i know is what i want. and that i dont know if i'll ever get it. me, not care?! phew! thats hard to hear because i might just be one of the most caring people in the world who might give my life for yours. but this isnt about me. its about you and how you want to live. i dont know if you would give your life for me. all i know is- i keep telling myself to go out and do what i want, but i want to hold true. i dont want to let go yet. but i might have to soon. i dont know. i'm more confused then you can imagine. i'd love to know whats in your head but somethings telling me, i'm in this alone. you said you'd always love me.
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
s0c0ntagi0us's journal